Chapters 26 & 27
Trials and Tribulations, Part 2
Because the size of my brain had been greatly diminished, having to fit itself inside a bird's skull—and because I had flown hither and thither for twenty years—I did not know how to return to my ancestral home in order to ascertain whether these rumors be true. A traveling black-headed bunting therefore told me to fly high upon Juniper Ridge and to stand at the jutting-most rock on a clear day and look across the canyon and see, far in the distance, where the sky meets the land, a shimmering castle. I did so, and I did see the castle according to the bunting's word, but would not dare to fly across to it, for the dangers were many.
Then I went back to the black-headed bunting and told him so, and he told me to go back to Juniper Ridge on a cloudy day—when the day was so cloudy that the canyon looked like a bowl of steam—and no ground or tree could be seen beneath—and the castle was hid from mine eyes by clouds—that I then could step out onto the cloud, and walk across it to the castle, as easily as walking across a power line.
And so one cloudy day I stood high upon Juniper Ridge and looked out, and the castle was hidden from mine eyes, and the canyon below was filled with smoke, so that it looked like a boiling cauldron. I stepped out upon the cloud, for I knew that my little wings would not carry me across that great distance, and I found that the cloud was solid beneath my feet, and once I had stepped upon it, I did bounce very high, and I bounded headlong, somersaulting toward the castle, which was still hidden from mine eyes, until I landed upon a wide road. And I looked up, and the mists parted, and the castle appeared—a little changed—but I was certain that it was my ancestral home.
I felt a great aversion to my castle for what had befallen me—but I flew—up around its perimeter—and looked in the windows of its towers.
And there, in the rear west tower, the window was ajar, and I alighted upon the windowsill.
Inside, there were three women in peasant garb, unrecognized by me at first, until I heard their voices, and then I knew that Candide, Canari, and Violente were consulting together in furtive tones. Thereupon I revealed myself unto them and spoke of the evil tidings I had heard from the bunting, and they told me that evil was indeed afoot, and that Aurora must save the Kingdom, lest all the animals upon the face of the earth be destroyed.
So Candide and I made haste in her horseless carriage to the place where we had last seen Princess Aurora.
We stopped at a box on the side of the road, wherein there was a large, flexible book of white and yellow pages, and Candide indicated that the location of Princess Aurora was published therein. From thence we drove to her house and, upon arriving, I flew out the open window and whistled for my consort. She came immediately, and we then flew back into the window of the carriage, and the three of us consulted, and designed a quest whereupon Aurora would save the Kingdom. But we knew that Aurora's quest alone would not save the Kingdom, which is why Candide and I flew back to the castle, and from thence sent an invitation to Prince Philip, living incognito as a peasant named Ronnie Jones, knowing that he would encounter perils along the way, and would thereby vanquish the enemy.
Philip, would you like to speak and tell us of the perils you encountered along the way and how you vanquished the enemy?
Then Ronnie stood up and began to relate his tale.
Perils Along the Way
First off, I had a difficult time finding decent clothes for the boys and I to wear. I had a mustard stain on my jacket. Jack's pants were too short and Andrew's were faded in the knees. I had to iron their shirts, and I burnt my wrist. Then we got into the Jeep, and I found out that Jack—who just got his driver's license—left the interior lights on and the battery was dead. Since the other vehicle was gone, we had to find someone to give us a jump. There were no cars driving down our cul-de-sac, and none of our neighbors would answer their doors.
Finally, a car entered the cul-de-sac with California plates—it was an old VW bus—and it was circling and driving slowly and sort of hovering—and I thought, this is my chance—so I waved them over and they stopped and I went to the window—and it was this lady with crazy hair—but she seemed really nice—and I asked her to give me a jump and she was happy to oblige, she said—and we connected the cables—then she asked where I was going, and I told her, a coronation. She seemed startled, saying she was surprised that people around here were practicing monarchy—and I didn't want to get too technical about it, but I told her I was descended from monarchs myself—and she gave me a really weird look then, but I just chalked it up to her being a bit of an eccentric—in a VW bus, and all.
Finally, an hour late, I got myself and the boys in the car and we were on our way. But I took a wrong turn somewhere and got hopelessly lost. I found myself driving in circles. The little map on the invitation wasn't quite accurate, and I couldn't find the castle on an atlas, and so I decided I'd stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Well, wouldn't you know it, I saw that same VW bus at the gas station when I stopped. The same lady was just going in to pay for her gas, and I said hello, and then I asked the attendant if he knew how to get to Castle in the Clouds Bed and Breakfast. He gave me the oddest look. The lady said she was going to a place nearby herself—what a coincidence—and that I could follow. I decided to take her up on her offer, having pretty much no alternative.
So then I followed her to a cliff. She pulled up to the edge of it and parked. It was so cloudy and foggy that I couldn't really see, but I was pretty sure there was a steep drop. Then she revved up the car and I thought she was going to drive off the cliff—I thought we were about to witness a colossal explosion, so I told the boys to close their eyes—and I honked and honked, and thought of a speech in my mind in case she was suicidal—something about this being a permanent solution to a temporary problem—and got out of the Jeep with the keys, so that Jack wouldn't think of trying anything crazy—and before I could reach her, she was driving right across the clouds—and I thought, have I lost it? There's a road there that I didn't see? So I jumped in the Jeep and followed her, and then—you won't believe this—I started to see fire coming out of the window. I thought, her car's on fire! I was afraid it was going to blow up right in front of us, so I honked and honked—and I sped up till I was looking in the driver's side window—and you won't believe this—but the lady was gone, and I saw a dragon driving the vehicle!
The whole back of the VW was full of the dragon's body! I was about to race ahead when one of the dragon's arms shot out of the window and broke the back window of the Jeep and started grabbing Andrew around the neck!
I told Jack to take control of the Jeep, and I climbed into the back and, by applying pressure to the dragon's wrist at a pressure point, caused it to release its grip on Andrew. Then I jumped from my vehicle to the VW, and I broke the window with my bare fist and I reached in and opened the door, with the intent of slaying the dragon–endangered species or no– but the dragon transformed herself into a bat and flew out of the window across the clouds to the castle!
***
As Ronnie finished his tale, he looked around the room, blushing. The people politely applauded. “So I didn’t exactly vanquish the enemy. And there’s something else I need to clear up,” he said. He cleared his throat kind of uncomfortably and looked up down at his feet; then he looked up at Aurora.
“You’re probably wondering, Sheila–I mean–Aurora, why your dad called me Prince Philip. It’s true: I am Prince Philip. I was changed into a gecko by a wicked fairy, and I slithered around in the Sahara desert until Violente found me and changed me into Ronnie Jones, the Australian Jeep driver. That’s why my Australian accent was so bad, and that’s why I dropped it as soon as we got married and moved to the suburbs.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were really a prince?” Aurora asked, with tears in her eyes. “All these years I thought I’d missed my destiny.”
“I’d given up on Destiny, Aurora. I didn’t believe in it anymore after wandering all those years in the desert. I just wanted to live a quiet life. I just…wanted to be with you. Teach history. Raise a family. And I knew there was evil out there. I wanted to protect you, Aurora. But I guess…Destiny has found us after all.”